Okay, some valuable tips and some interesting(?) jargon, which may come in handy when taking those essential bathroom breaks at work:
EGO POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is proud of it. You will often see an EGO POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper under their arm, with a cocky swagger and a broad smile. EGO POOPERS usually let off loud farts before dropping their load, and they whistle or talk smugly to themselves while sitting on the throne. They like to leave messy pan blasts in the bowl, showing off their prime arse-capacity.
TURD BUSTER: A fellow pooper who does not realize you're in the bog and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BUSTER leaves. TURD BUSTERS have been known to cause premature ‘pinchers’, which cause you to pinch a log half way through, resulting in a messy ringpiece.
UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper as it is preferable to dump your load when the bathroom is empty.
SAFE HAVEN: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex, like the floor of the admin dept.
ANGEL SHIT: To take a dump and wipe your arse, and to see that the first wipe reveals a clean sheet. Celebrations are in order for an ANGEL SHIT. Just one or two wipes and you will be out of the shitter with a lemon-fresh bott, back at your desk in no time.
DIRTY-MESSY-RANCID-SHIT: Five minutes before entering an important sales meeting with your boss, you need to take a shit. Five minutes will be enough time, so you quickly nip to the bog. The shit emerges from your arse, and it happens to be the most rancid, stickiest, slow-moving log that you could imagine. 5 minutes later, only 10% of the crap has made its way out of your bott. You decide to abort the mission, and so an inevitable ‘pincher’ causes a wrathful mess around your ring. You notice there are only 4 sheets of bog paper left. They make little difference to the mess, so you take some business cards from your jacket and attempt to scoop the shit from your arse. As you have yet to master this art, your hand slips upwards and causes streaks of shit up your back. Regardless, you pull up your pants and rush to the meeting where you sit down, sweating, shit-ridden and defeated. You still need a shit.
MENTAL PISS-BLOCK. Some people cannot piss in front of an audience. For these people, standing at the urinal, bursting for a piss, dick hanging out, no piss to be seen, can be a stressful and embarrassing situation – especially when a fellow pisser is standing at the next urinal. If the other person is an UNCLE TED, then this can be the most harrowing experience for victims of MENTAL PISS-BLOCK. Remedies can be found by meditating deeply over the infinite mysteries of the cosmos, just before taking a piss.
COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet as an attempt to nullify the subtle ‘rubbing’ sound as you wipe your arse. Nobody has the right to listen in to the style of your arse-wipes or rub-ferocity.
JAILBREAK: This is usually a side effect of a hangover or a curry. Your bowels have been bubbling for hours, and when you sit on the throne, the world ferociously falls out of your arse. Even though JAILBREAKS are sometimes messy, they are ultimately satisfying.
LOGFLUME: A turd that creates an enormous splash when hitting the water, soaking your arse with piss-and-shit-water. Not as much fun as getting soaked by the log flume at an amusement park.
“There is a season and a time for every purpose under heaven.” - Ecclesiastes 3.1.
Andy