This might come in handy for those slogging away at work, with bubbling bowels...
ANGEL SHIT: To take a dump and wipe your arse, and see that the first wipe reveals a clean sheet. Celebrations are in order for an ANGEL SHIT. Just one or two wipes and you will be out of the crapper with a lemon-fresh bott, back at your desk in no time.
COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet in an attempt to nullify the subtle ‘rubbing’ sound as you wipe your arse. Nobody has the right to listen in to personal things like your rub-ferocity or digging techniques.
EGO POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is proud of it. You will see an EGO POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper under their arm, with a cocky swagger and a broad smile. EGO POOPERS usually let off loud farts before dropping their load, and whistle or talk smugly to themselves while sitting on the throne. They like to leave messy pan blasts in the bowl, showing off their arse-capacity.
UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper as it is preferable to dump your load when the bathroom is empty.
TURD BUSTER: A fellow pooper who does not realize you're in the bog and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BUSTER leaves. TURD BUSTERS have been known to cause premature ‘pinchers’, which cause you to pinch a log half way through, resulting in a messy ringpiece.
SAFE HAVEN: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex, like the floor of the admin dept.
DIRTY-MESSY-RANCID-SHIT: Five minutes before entering an important sales meeting, you need to take a dump. Five minutes will be enough time, so you quickly nip to the bog. The shit emerges from your arse, and happens to be the most rancid, stickiest, slow-moving log you could imagine. 5 minutes later, only a tenth of the crap has made its way out of your bott. You decide to abort the mission, and an inevitable ‘pincher’ causes a wrathful mess around your ring. You notice there are only 4 sheets of bog paper left. They make little difference to the mess, so you take some business cards from your jacket and attempt to scoop the shit from your arse. Streaks of crap smear up your back, but regardless you pull up your pants and rush to the meeting where you sit down, sweating, shit-ridden and defeated. You still need a shit.
MENTAL PISS-BLOCK. Some people can’t piss in front of an audience. Standing at the urinal with no piss to be seen can be a stressful and embarrassing situation for victims of MENTAL PISS-BLOCK, especially if the person at the next urinal is an UNCLE TED. Remedies can be found by meditating on thoughts of a waterfall, or by saying "easy pee wee" three times a night just before going to bed.
JAILBREAK: This is usually a side effect of a hangover or a curry. Your bowels have been bubbling for hours, and when you sit on the throne, the world ferociously falls out of your arse. Even though JAILBREAKS are sometimes messy, they are ultimately satisfying.
HOTBED FOR SECRETS: If two work colleagues are close friends that chat in the toilet, they might not notice you sitting quietly on the pan. This is a great opportunity to hear the deepest secrets. One might reveal that he is gay, or that he is a closet Barry Manilow fan.
LOGFLUME: A turd that creates an enormous splash when hitting the water, soaking your arse with piss-and-shit-water. Not as much fun as getting soaked by the log flume at an amusement park.
"There is a season and a time for every purpose under heaven." - Ecclesiastes 3.1.